Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Doubts

We're well into our third month of school this year, our fifth year of homeschooling. I sit here feeling dejected. Dejected about homeschooling, about parenting, about being a wife, about my relationship with food, about my purpose on this earth. The devil is at work, this is for certain.

Another night of sleep interrupted by a trip to the loo and then by a barrage of thoughts that have no place being in my head at any time, let alone at 3:30 a.m. ... Until about 5:30 a.m. So when I finally go back to sleep for a time and wake up to start the day, I am groggy, grumpy, mad, sad, losing hope that I can make it through the day successfully. I don't teach as well. I don't parent as well. I don't keep the home as well. I have no energy when my husband gets home from work and then I head to my job for a three- or four-hour chunk of time many nights. And then I go to bed again. Wake up. Repeat cycle.

What is this all for? The glory of God? That's what my days should be for. But I'm not focusing on glorifying Him when I feel lethargic and near apathetic at times. I'm, frankly, self-absorbed when I feel this way. How can I get some rest? Who can I get to take care of me? Who can I get to watch my kids for a day so I can be alone? I throw a mini (sometimes larger than mini) pity party for myself.

Is this the life God planned for me? I highly doubt it.

My kids are in quiet time right now so I can have some moments to ponder our situation.

Pray. Be still. Listen.

Act.

Above all, God is reminding me to refocus. Take the focus off of me, my family, my situation. Focus on Him. Focus on Him. Focus on Him.

There are so many distractions in this world. Some on the news, some going on right in my circle of friends. And Facebook. Stinkin' Facebook. I'm not on it for long periods of time, but I do check it multiple times a day, just like my e-mail. It's just another distraction.

So here I sit, resolved to focus on God again. It's been about a month since I've done that. And not so surprisingly, it's been about a month since I've felt "less than." He is my Rock. Without Him, I will sink.

Heavenly Father, please renew a right Spirit within me and anyone else who may read this and be in need of your intervention. In Your son's precious name, Amen.

4 comments:

Jess said...

Thank you. I have felt this so many times and you are right. God is calling us back to Him. To see His face and to see as He sees. Because isn't that what faith is? Seeing as He sees? Not following our way because of what we see but truly seeing as He sees and when we can't quite catch a glimpse of the promise, trusting anyway. There were so many "greats" in the Bible but I always go back to Abraham. Could I have trusted that much? Do I? Oh Father, help be put ALL my life in your hands and refocus on you and eternity not the daily minutia of this world!
Thank you again for your post!

Amy @ Raising Arrows said...

Kari,
I stopped by because the name of your blog/homeschool caught my eye. It just sounded serene. Funny how we make assumptions based on words or appearances.

The Lord just pulled me through a rough time..much like you are describing. I truly believe Satan was working overtime on me. I am still wary that he may try to get at me again.

I will be praying for you because I know just how tough this place can be. {HUGS}
Amy

Kari said...

Thank you both!

Jess, I love that, "can't quite catch a glimpse of the promise, trusting anyway."

I read other people's fantastic blogs, and Satan uses them to make me feel like I'm inferior and not doing enough. But God is working also, and I know victory is on the other side.

And Amy, lol about my blog name sounding serene. It is at times, but... :)

Thank you for the prayers.
Kari

AmyBarkerPhoto said...

Awwww Kari....I have so been feeling this way myself lately. I am almost glad to know I am not the only homeschooler to feel this way.
God has led you this far, lean on Him, and He will see you thru this. I will be praying for you.