We're well into our third month of school this year, our fifth year of homeschooling. I sit here feeling dejected. Dejected about homeschooling, about parenting, about being a wife, about my relationship with food, about my purpose on this earth. The devil is at work, this is for certain.
Another night of sleep interrupted by a trip to the loo and then by a barrage of thoughts that have no place being in my head at any time, let alone at 3:30 a.m. ... Until about 5:30 a.m. So when I finally go back to sleep for a time and wake up to start the day, I am groggy, grumpy, mad, sad, losing hope that I can make it through the day successfully. I don't teach as well. I don't parent as well. I don't keep the home as well. I have no energy when my husband gets home from work and then I head to my job for a three- or four-hour chunk of time many nights. And then I go to bed again. Wake up. Repeat cycle.
What is this all for? The glory of God? That's what my days should be for. But I'm not focusing on glorifying Him when I feel lethargic and near apathetic at times. I'm, frankly, self-absorbed when I feel this way. How can I get some rest? Who can I get to take care of me? Who can I get to watch my kids for a day so I can be alone? I throw a mini (sometimes larger than mini) pity party for myself.
Is this the life God planned for me? I highly doubt it.
My kids are in quiet time right now so I can have some moments to ponder our situation.
Pray. Be still. Listen.
Above all, God is reminding me to refocus. Take the focus off of me, my family, my situation. Focus on Him. Focus on Him. Focus on Him.
There are so many distractions in this world. Some on the news, some going on right in my circle of friends. And Facebook. Stinkin' Facebook. I'm not on it for long periods of time, but I do check it multiple times a day, just like my e-mail. It's just another distraction.
So here I sit, resolved to focus on God again. It's been about a month since I've done that. And not so surprisingly, it's been about a month since I've felt "less than." He is my Rock. Without Him, I will sink.
Heavenly Father, please renew a right Spirit within me and anyone else who may read this and be in need of your intervention. In Your son's precious name, Amen.